Call to action
Today is the start of the 16 days of activism against gender based violence. Every year, people in the sector gather together to reflect on and raise awareness of the devastating impact of violence towards women, girls, non-binary and gender fluid people. We might tell our friends about it, and our colleagues from other sectors might come along to conferences and events too. We'll focus in on issues and action plan for the year...and yet. All around us, all around me, right now, men are able to cause harm with absolute impunity.
From the men who use mental health as sheilds for abuse, (it's just a mental health "blip") the men who use systems to control their ex-partners who do leave (but he's a "good dad" because he's always at pick up), to the men in our communities who nod along when they hear the phrase toxic feminism, and secretly think that maybe if feminists just stopped using the phrase toxic masculinity it'll all be fine. (it won't- let's name it for what it is). I'm tired. I'm tired of arguing that we shouldn't be minimised, disbelieved, hurt, abused, raped, tortured. That services should believe us. That communities should wrap support around us when we've experienced harm. Isn't it exhausting to state the obvious? My call to action this 16 days is towards the men in my circle; please don't stay silent. Support women and girls. Believe survivors. Use your power to challenge harm. Speak up. Work alongside us to create the communities and systems of compassion that we all need. Women and girls are ostracised every day for speaking their truths, they are gaslighted, isolated, minimised, silenced. Don't be part of this. We can do better.
How?
There is no cheat sheet on how to do this, and unless you’re already an academic, practitioner or activist involved in gender equality, chances are you’re not going to start now after reading this (if you are, here’s a great place to start.) however! You’re also not reading this because you’re not wanting to do anything… So, here are some things to think about how you, as a man, can support women in your communities, today. *
*I am not in your life or your mind, so pick and choose what language or approach works for you.
HOLD MEN ACCOUNTABLE.
This means when you hear another man belittle a woman, undermine her, or use explicitly sexist language (as well as insidious implicit sexist language), a) ask him to repeat himself b) tell him that’s not cool c) use your body language to show it is not cool.
DON’T BE FRIENDS WITH ABUSERS
This is linked to holding men accountable. Yes, it’s complicated when it’s people we know and like, and yes, some of our relationships are so intertwined it’s not that simple. I get that. But if you can, don’t be friends with people you know are abusive. Women are ostracised all the time for talking about the abuse they’ve suffered, they are isolated everyday. Don’t allow that to be the norm.
BELIEVE WOMEN
This is crucial. It is not neutral to believe that men don’t hurt women and that women are lying. This is very much taking a position. This is what is happening when you don’t believe women.
SUPPORT WOMEN
If a woman in your life has a good idea, tell her. If you are in a heterosexual relationship and she is doing everything, cut that out now, do stuff. If someone tells you someone has hurt them, ask if they are ok.
CHALLENGE RACISM
Right now, racism is being used as a cover for caring about women. White men are hurting women and girls every day. Don’t buy into racist lies about who is doing what to who.
LISTEN
A lot of the time, that’s what you need to do. Listen. Hear what people are saying about their lived experiences, of what sexism feels like, of what gendered harm feels like. Listen.
CO-EXIST
Power over is built in to our society, and it’s often done by and led by men. We all have power over someone sometimes, and some of us have more power than others. A lot of cis, heterosexual, white men will have regular power over opportunities. You might be the boss. You might earn more in your house. People might listen to you and respect your ideas even if they’re not also great. But power with means sharing power, it means thinking about how power can be distributed via consensus, community and co-existing. Sometimes, men do get involved in this work and sometimes they have a tendancy to take over a bit. Don’t do this! Co-exist, share power, walk alongside.
